Writing blogs about being a competitor and digging deep is a lot easier to do than actually reaching down and finding that will power to not give up for even a second. Even one negative thought can open the door to doubt and derail your progress up to that moment. This past weekend started out great where I was able to execute, stay consistent and positive on day 1 until I felt confidence leaving me on day 2. It was all downhill from there. I couldn’t believe in myself anymore and try as I might, the will to fight was slowly leaving me. By day 3, I didn’t even want to be there anymore and my last few matches felt like I was playing with my shoulders broken by the weight of failure.
Wow, this is a hard thing to come back from. Even now, looking at the first day’s performance and taking the positive from that is difficult. I don’t know if the will to fight through future tournaments will return before the desire to quit for good. For now it feels like I don’t want to put myself through this again.
However I am fortunate that, even though this is an internal struggle with the effects showing in your body language and on your face, I belong to The Toronto Foosball Club, a fantastic community of individuals to look up to for inspiration and be there for you when you are at your lowest point. Without this group of people who also go through this struggle, it would be next to impossible to find the will to continue, but they will be there this weekend and the next, and the next, because they already know the way forward. For me it is even harder to feel like the weak link in this chain of strong willed performers, but I will endure it, if only to repay their kindness back, with the hope that if I get through this, I can be there for somebody else who needs that kind word, , that “don’t worry kid, it will get better”, that pat on the shoulder that can pick you up at your lowest point.
Long live competitive foosball, the opportunities it gives us to build stronger willed individuals, communities and it’s ability to use pressure to create diamonds out of all of us.